It’s more common for people to write or talk about the things they want to do or see or experience in this life and most uncommon to find a written list of things/experiences/expectations one hope misses them. I have had my fair share of adversity as has anyone who has lived and I have settled into a space where I know what I want, what I don’t want, what I can tolerate and what I can not absolutely stand etc.

Man, life isn’t roses, it isn’t as simple as the alphabet and I know this is not what I ever imagined for myself. You live, you learn. From people, from stories, from experiences…from living.

Here are 4 things that can miss me both ways as they roam this floating ball of rock:

1. StRoNg, hard woman who has to bond over smoke, fire and back pains. Don’t get me wrong, I respect people’s choice and mine just happens to be not bending over backwards to impress people or to be considered…what’s the word? What word do I use to describe what African home use to term girls that are always up and about doing every chore known to man? I would rather delegate mundane tasks to make space and time for other things (and before you come at me with ‘As a woman you must…’ please, not me. Try Jesus, not me.) I do my share of things but I am a busy person and I will always try to lighten my workload regardless of how that may look or come off to people. I will be a strong and hard woman never, I subscribed to soft life and the package deal comes with convenience.

2. Relationships where I am not accepted for the person that I am and the values I live by. I find that I have (in the past) compromised on things I shouldn’t have and yes, I know that relationships require sacrifice but hah! Why am I the sacrifice? Friend, I overcommit and that much I know and that has led me into relationships where my values are literally being tossed at the door like muddied slippers and I am being governed by someone else’s constitution entirely! When the heavens where distributing shame, I wasn’t there.

I have put other peoples needs first at the expense of my own happiness, prioritised other peoples problems like I don’t have mine in abundance with change to spare, I have trusted people with bad intentions, walked over by people I was trying to help and yho! Miss me with all of it! All of it can be taken because I will not be conforming to that again! I have learned (finally!) because I think this has been a repetitive lesson I just didn’t want to listen to. Koma apapa nde zalowa momveka bwino.

I was talking to my friend and I was explaining that (most) people like/love the idea of me and not the reality of me. They see me and are dazzled by heaven knows what and they get to know me and they realise I am onion! So many layers and it’s hard to keep from crying as you peel them back! Lol.

3. I never want to feel…less. That feeling when the people around you treat you like you are disposable, replaceable, dumb, stupid, useless, incapable, exhausting etc. Once I experience something in that capacity, it really weighs heavily on me. It sediments in the pits of my stomach and sits there eating me up at every chance. My anxiety skyrockets, my mental health takes a hit, I lose balance and my world comes crushing down. I would choose, a hundred times over, spaces that appreciate me and the value I add, spaces that see me for the unique talents and thought process that I bring, spaces that allow my creativity to flourish and spaces that treat me with the respect and care that I deserve.

It is selfcare to take myself away from negative environments, from demeaning people, and to allow space for positivity, creativity and growth. It is hard to push/move forward when the weight of peoples opinions are sitting. Living is accepting that people will have something to say, whether you do good or bad; selfcare is being able to describe yourself outside of people’s perceptions of you and allowing yourself to live a fabulously positive life on your terms.

4. Pretend to be someone else. I am sooooo comfortable in my own skin, in my own life and in my own doings that I have never wished anyone’s life upon myself. I have never wished that somebody’s life befalls me because I am firm believer that nothing is perfect, and each individual life comes with its own set of setbacks and problems. At least I know the color and extent of mine and I am okay with my life.

I am not saying I do not wish for good things or better things, please, we all do. I wish I had more money, more creativity bursts, more writing time but darling, my skin is my favorite place to be. I do not feel the need to sugarcoat my messy self and to look/sound more appealing to people. I am unapologetically confident in myself, and I am so sure of my actions, my goals, my needs and exactly where I want this life to lead me. I do not lead by faith or by hope, I lead by passion and that makes me impulsive and hot-headed, but it sure gets things done. I do not have to pretend to be something I am not and distance myself from spaces that require/need me to be a shapeshifter. Moyo wake utiwo omafuna kusangalatsa wina aliyese?

That is my top 4 things I wish will miss and continue to miss me with such fierce determination. What are the things on your anti-bucket list? Let me know in the comments.

Love,

A girl who dreams in defined colours.