I have had a terrible week and I really want to talk about it, why not blog about it?
It started with constant sadness and absent mindedness, the usual PMS symptoms but without the MS. I swear for a second there I thought I was going crazy and losing my mind. Please, don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of things to be thankful for, things to look forward to, and I am surrounded by people with good intentions and support system that never fails.
What more would a girl ask for, you would ask.
And the answer is “I don’t know.” I should be grateful for the amazing job I have, for the friends I have, for the love that surrounds me, for the support I get, for this life I have made for myself, for the chance I get everyday to be a better person, for the things that continuously align in my favour, and countless other things!
I am drowning in my own head at this point and it is safe to say, sanity has vacated the building and recommended me to the nearest shrink.
How do I break this cycle?
What am I doing wrong or different?
What is misaligning my life?
I usually have everything dotted and crossed, organised in files and written down. Right now, I don’t. I am free styling and it is going terribly.
I could cry, but that would mean dedicating time and effort to that and I am not in the mood.
(Takes a deep breath)
It escalated into isolation, brooding, and avoidance. I should have said something, sure, but how do you explain a problem that has no plausible explanation or cause? How do you say ‘I am not okay’ when everything is okay? Just how.
I am so tired of not being 100% in my own life. Of not showing up for myself and for people in the ways I ought to, and I am so tired of holding myself hostage in this situation. Simple, mundane tasks I can complete in minutes being dragged through days, lack of organisation and focus; all that is not me.
I am human, I am allowed bad days.
But I choose (from tomorrow, because today went to waste) to be intentional.
I choose to be intentional about doing right by myself and celebrating myself for being me. Not cause I have achieved something.I will remind myself that even on the days I do not do anything that is praiseworthy, I am still an incredible human with amazing potential and qualities.
I will not take love away from myself or deny myself good things because I did not live to a certain expectation. I will applaud myself for being present each day and show myself compassion on the days when nothing makes sense.
I have to be intentional about breaking some patterns that I have noticed in myself . The procrastination? In the bin. The lack of focus, the anxiety over mundane tasks, the lack of writing, the constant excuses, unnecessary distractions? All of it, everything goes in the dumpster or incinerator. Whichever one is more permanent.Nothing changes until I change.I have to choose to change.
I have to be Intentional about my goals and your vision or I will be manifesting and sabaweling forever. My intentions and my actions should align. The choices I make for myself everyday should be in the direction of what I want, I should put in the work, the time, the energy and triple the efforts. This is my vision and my dream, it is what I want for myself and I have to intentionally set myself up for success.
I have to make life more enjoyable for myself. I did not come on this Earth to pay bills and survive, I came here for enjoyment and enjoyment at its finest. I should plan great experiences for myself, pick out activities and execute them, regardless if it’s just me. I should be more intentional about having a grand time!
I know this blog post will come as a shock because who posts about their losses? Why not just pretend to have it all figured out, huh? Because I think it is important to know that behind this keyboard is a whole human being with feelings and emotions just like everybody else. That I too have terrible days and weeks. That we all have our uphill battles once in a while and it does so much good to just let it all out. I will be sure to update this post within the week, let you all know how I am doing with my blurry dreams and dimmed hopes.
Please, do not feel inclined to reach out to me. You can simply comment and that will suffice.
A gentle reminder from your blog auntie that we write our story everyday through the choices that we make.
The things left unsaid to people we care about, and the void those unspoken words leave, often have more impact than what is said.
Tyler Knight
EMAIL SUBJECT LINES
There is not enough talk on how exhausting it is trying to find your footing in this world. Everything and everyone is on fast forward and there is never time to rest and reset. On to the next task, on to the next job, left, right and center. “Please find attached” and “Per my last email” run the day and do not clock out when you do.
Nobody talks about how hard it is to make friends as an adult when everyone is chasing the bag and making bread, nobody talks about the exhaustion that slowly sets in by Tuesday and has you dragging your body to Friday, or the lack of enthusiasm and time for the things that once rocked our worlds. I struggled to find my work-life-more-work balance and that is mainly because I let my ambitions get the best of me. Nevertheless, I understand the toil responsibility, deadlines, and upcoming events/projects bring in and today, we are practicing gratitude for the work we do, but actively set boundaries between the two.
It is okay to set aside a day for self-care devoid of any outside expectations, it is okay to take several steps back and delegate when you feel overwhelmed. You are human, you are meant to tire, that is your body’s cry for a day off. It is okay to not be okay, it is okay to feel frustrated at the list of tasks waiting for you, it is okay to say, ‘hey, I need help.’
THE BIGGEST APOLOGIES
The sad days are the ones nobody really prepares you for and today, I realised we owe ourselves the biggest apologies. For invalidating our feelings and for wanting to belong, for banging on closed doors and crying over spilled milk, for wanting to be chosen by people who would use us for rituals given the chance and finally, for not telling ourselves often enough how simply amazing we are.
Everyday is just a blur, a photocopied version of yesterday, the twin of what will be tomorrow but today, we are here and we are present. And to everyone reading this, this is your sign to be fearless, to be brave and, to be audacious. There is something, I tell you, about youthful naivety that makes you think you can conquer the world and that is the universe’s gift to you.
You should only have a pocket full of dreams, and not cups full of regret. You are only young once and should constantly choose to live. Live intentionally. Burn with so much passion, you put the stars and the sun to shame because you blaze brighter and with more purposes. You, who is wonderfully and beautifully created, curated and designed for a bigger purpose and a greater joy.
Take advice from your dear (not so old) auntie and live happily, truly and passionately. You will not have a lot to apologise for, I promise.
SING A NEW SONG
Things…life happens to everyone and despite what the burdens you carry want you believe, life is fair. If ever there was an epitome of fairness, it would be how justly life deals everyone a misery of their disliking; to each their own battle. Please, don’t get me wrong, there is suffering in the world but who am I or are you to tell how much it hurts when the experience is compacted in another’s body? We cannot gauge how heavy emotions can be or should be because at the end of the day we all experience moments, people, and emotions differently. Beneath the surfaces of smiles, laughter, and the shows of strength and courage, lies feelings and experiences we may never fully comprehend. While compassion may lead us to hold the hands of those in pain, to offer comforting words and sympathetic glances, we are merely spectators to their struggle. It hurts for them and that is enough, that is valid and does not need justification.
Today, empathize with the boy who carries the weight of his family’s expectations, the girl with silent and invisible tears…approach with warmth, empathy and humility those that the world has shut out.
Suffering is a universal experience: like a fingerprint, it is unique to everyone but cheap as clay and twice as common.
This is me signing out and calling it a day!🤍
Always rooting for you, always wishing you the very best of everything.
If you ask Andrew about love, he will laugh at the notion of falling in love with more than one person in one lifetime, but I would not take his word for it. While others had to sacrifice two black chickens, fight a kangaroo and twerk for their ancestors, Andrew met the love of his life and just knew.
Congratulations on your engagement, if you read this. How does it feel to be God’s favorite?
Priscilla, on the other hand, will look you in the eye for a good five seconds, probably gauging how to tell you that love is a scam by businesses to make money out of the bothersome feeling.
Has she been in love? Yes, she thinks so. She is almost sure that she has been in love more than once.
She will let out a low ‘hhmm’ and cross her arms on her chest. Where does she begin explaining about love, her love?
Okay, she starts and eyes you again, quickly fixing her glasses over her nose. She doesn’t know whether to cry or laugh, love has shown her many faces. She would tell you about this boy, whose name I will not name; he was funny and charming, and he quickly snatched her heart and imprisoned it in a chest together with his. That summer was short lived, she will explain scrunching her face at the memory. She would probably suck air through her teeth and clap her hands as African mothers do to express anger, fatigue, or disapproval.
Six years and a whole circus queen later, the man has not been chopped as she has done for any pestering men. Her heart remains a prisoner in some cage, she knows not where and probably does not want it freed. She was burned by a love meant to keep her warm.
Never again, she will mutter under her breath, quietly asking God to keep forbidding that love ever scar her again.
What would Tadala say about love, I wonder. She wears her heart in a titanium locket, guarded by two gorgons, and where is this locket? In the labyrinth with the minotaur. You get the gist, don’t you?
It is only recently that her heart has been spotted on her sleeve, shocked the voice out of me I will admit. But what would she say about love? Would she say it is train that comes barreling towards you and should be handled with care? Or would she cheer you to step on the train tracks and see where that takes you?
I am not sure if she is a hopeless romantic, unlike some of us who are more hopeless than romantic, or she is just cautious about putting herself out there to be hurt? She eyes any love/affection handed to her with the same skepticism you would someone handing you a can of beetles on your birthday. To her, there is always a catch, always something behind the pleasantries.
What do you want with me? I think she asks all her suitors. Giving them a once over, showing them her serious face. The same face she reserves for the people who touch her property without express written permission from her. She likes to intimidate them; to her the sexiest thing a man can be is a little scared of her.
Myra, on the other hand, never learns. They tell her fire is hot and it burns, Myra must go see it for herself; she refuses to take your word for it. Just because it burned you, it does not mean it will also burn me, she will say with the confidence of a monkey swinging on a broken branch. She will get burned by the blue flame, as she was by the orange flame, and the red flame before that, but that will not deter this moth from being attracted to fire. You would think she likes to be burned from her gravitation towards all the dark things love is professed to be; the dark obsessions and the senseless passions.
Quite the opposite.
If you ask Myra about love, she will smile. She has found love in a space she had reserved for self-love. And please, before you run to go lecture her about the absurdity that is love, read the beginning of her paragraph.
She will smile and recount to you all the things love can be; a sweet serenade, an act of surrender, a muse. In love’s embrace, she has found her that vulnerability has offered her joy. She has lost herself in infatuations before this and knows all the things love is not supposed to be, and she knows that true love sets you free. She knows that there is togetherness and individuality in love, that it exists in spaces that allow it to thrive, and passion is a fickle flame.
Goodluck to all the lovers there, especially those looking for ‘The One’. Love, in all its beautiful forms, comes from the soul. We were made to love and to be loved in return. It is the affirmation that our existence matters to someone else, that we are cherished, flaws and all. To be loved is to find refuge in another’s presence, to feel seen and understood, and to experience a sense of belonging.
Always the warmest hugs,
Writing from a space filled with multicolored dreams and love.
***Give me 24 hours to elaborate on this prophecy.
Parable of a parsimonious world
Where do I begin this story? From the moment I walked out of my house looking like I was lathered in 3 layers of Vaseline, or the moment I realized that given the chance, men would chew us (women), skin and bone?
I do not mean that as a joke.
As a certified pedestrian and a religious user of public transport, I am accustomed to the chit-chat that surrounds boarding African buses; from the complaining men to the pestering children.
On this fine Sunday Morning, I have decided to take a break from the warm and endearing solitude of my home and wander to Chirimba for lunch with my favorite people and a motherly homemade meal. The bus is not full but is predominantly filled with men and few scattered women.
I am not one to eavesdrop on conversation but if you are making known your unsolicited opinion, I will hear it and I will judge you for your poor thinking.
A man speaks on how he beat his wife for not being home when he arrived. I suck my teeth and roll my eyes at the stupidity. The men nod their heads in agreement and mutter words like, “she deserved it” and “she had it coming.”
Hai!, I am thinking, marriage but at what cost?
Another man quickly adds a layer of misogyny by pitching into the crowd that men need to ‘discipline’ their wives when they ‘act out’ and such issues should be kept in the secrecy of marriage as it may look like abuse.
Look like?
Look like abuse?
My eyes search frantically for the man that uttered these words and my eyes lock his over the driver’s rear view mirror. It should not have been him, I am not sorry.
To the men I share this space with, a good woman is ‘obedient’, ‘submissive’ and ‘quiet’. The perfect woman of culture should need crave the guidance and protection of a man; she is like a child to be catered for, looked down upon and beaten when they oppose their superior.
To be a ‘good’ woman, one must channel their inner doormat and prostrate themselves before their self-appointed disciplinaries. She is a selfless martyr to the whims of men, an embodiment of the archaic norms we are so desperate to abandon. May we find inspiration in her self-neglect.
Beat some sense into her quick before she utters the word ‘equality’ or ‘right’. Such nonsense words.
If she says no, she is disrespectful; if she questions the agenda, she is challenging and outspoken; if she disagrees, who the hell does she think she is?
A woman who pursues her career is deluded to think that a man would want her with all those qualifications, but if she stays at home to take care of her family, she is too dependent. Women should be reprimanded like a toddler, treated like a glorified servant, serviced like a car, and worked like a horse.
And do not say aloud that you do not wish to marry, they will pity your future spouse like they did not just hear you say that you choose to not want a man. Women should centralise men in their lives.
Our voices are stifled, ambitions belittled, as we are taught to shrink and fade into the background. We are conditioned to conform to predetermined roles, molded into docile creatures of compliance. We are told to prioritize marriage and motherhood, as if our worth lies solely in our ability to nurture others. Career aspirations are met with skepticism, as if success outside the domestic sphere is an anomaly rather than a rightful pursuit. The labels of weakness, irrationality, and emotional fragility are perpetuated to undermine our autonomy and dismiss our opinions. From the moment we are born, society eagerly hands us a predefined script. If you choose not have children, you are selfish. If you outsource help, you are lazy and not wife material; womenmustbond over smoke, back and joint pains.
Men? Men will defend each other with their dying breath. It does not matter that the act was despicable or dehumanizing; ‘boys will be boys’, ‘She asked for it’ and ‘A woman must serve a man first.’
Men are never in the wrong and should never be held accountable, these men narrate. The action or reaction of a man is always as a result of woman. Did Eve not tempt Adam? He was a seduced innocent man. He beat her because she did not polish his shoes, he was a neglected husband. If he stepped out on his marriage, it is because his wife was not tending to him, he was an unloved spouse and if he does it again, his mother failed to raise him right. Zero accountability whatsoever. “Like a compass needle that points North, a man’s accusing finger always find a woman.”
I am in an active state of disbelief and my heart is racing at several haibos per minute. Truly, that is all women are to men? And to think, they lay next to their spouses every night with such contempt for them lodged in their chests, I shiver for the days they bare their teeth.
Here come the men in my mentions talking about, ‘Not all of us are like that’. Oh sorry, sir, that we do not have the time to individually check who is dangerous or not, or who has the sharpest teeth. My sincerest apologies that we choose not play Russian roulette with our lives, it is just that the subtle garden variety misogynist is harder to spot. Did you not hear of the man that killed his wife for not cooking rice correctly? Or the man that ‘accidentally’ stabbed his girlfriend? Can’t be too careful, don’t you agree? If you want to debate my thoughts, you would have to pay me for my time and if not, my mentions are not the place to be empty headed.
As I was saying, every time he hits you, it is because you are being a ‘bad’ woman. You do not listen, you are radical and you are loud. You have forgotten your place but worry not, his hands will show it to you. God forbid a woman makes more money than her husband, she will undermine his authority (but if she wants to make him happy, she must give him every money she earns and he will decide the budget, what a good woman!). If you find yourself with a man that has an inferiority complex, be sure to shrink in size to accommodate his ego. Tuck away your steel-spine and worship the nothing he gives you.
The bus is now approaching town and this war against women will be over soon, my throat is burning but even I know, their ideas are deeply rooted over years of belittling women; it is a losing battle. There ideologies are as old as Adam’s apple. I turn to look at the passing buildings when the women finally speak into the conversation.
The woman with a child nestled on her lap says that is a woman’s duty to serve a man and she must know her place.
Know her place? What place? In the kitchen? On her back? Why can that place never be something good or something worthwhile? Like driving a Mercedes Benz AMG?
A ‘good’ woman is expected to conform to a dizzying array of expectations set by society, as if their approval is the ultimate validation. I pity them for supporting a system that does not serve them because at the end of the day, no matter how hard you ride for them, for the system designed against you, receipts will be due. Maybe deep down, they believe that pandering to man and belittling the experience of other women at the hands of the men in their lives exempts from the violence and inequality. Listen, it does not matter how much you support patriarchy as a woman, it is a system that will never benefit you.
These are the same ‘good’ women that feel betrayed and cheated when, after following the rules set and regulated by men on how to be a subservient woman, they get no reward for it. They wonder how they got the cream of the violent and nonchalant crop. They shake their fists to the heavens on the unfairness of it all, and that is the system they scrap their knees defending. Hatred and bitterness brews for the ‘bad’ women who lived their best lives untouched by those standards and got the best happiness can offer.
This woman sees the look of horror on my face at this and she jokingly says, “You will understand when it is your turn.” My what? I have never said, “God can continue forbidding” faster in my life. Lord, I see what you are doing for others, may it never be my turn. The notion that a ‘good’ woman serves men first is but a remnant of a bygone era—a parody of reality that crumbles under the weight of its own absurdity.
Women must fear men (like we already do not take one hour out of each day to do so). We do not feel safe; we still cross the street when a man is walking behind us, broadcast our location to five friends until we get home, and constantly look around when we walk on sparsely populated roads. I dare not think of marrying because I might get beaten, or killed for following my dreams, or not cooking the nsima to his liking. What if my partner views women as objects of sexual gratification, home decoration, and chore completion? As a woman, you could live long enough to see old age or die at the mercy of a violent man, even men fear men. And listen, there is no excuse for laying your hands on anyone, no justification for violence. How do we create monumental change in the dynamics? Negotiating for our lives and rights clearly isn’t working.
Moral of the story: If a man so much as raises his hand at you, put on your running shoes and hit the road at full speed! Abusive men will strip you of your individuality, your self-esteem, your freewill, and/or worse, your life.
“I love you. I would like to be near you, I would like to have your arms around me. I would like to have your voice in my ear but that is not possible now. I love you so go. Love liberates, it doesn’t hold. That’s ego. Love liberates.”
~Maya Angelou
When the bible said, “Love is not selfish.” my mind rushed to associate those words with how we share things of the materialistic kind.
Selfish in terms of holding things to yourself, keeping all your cards sewn to our chest. 21 years, 5 months and 5 days later, I would change that verse to “Love unburdens.”
In the words of Maya Angelou. “I love you so go. Love liberates, it doesn’t hold. That’s ego. Love liberates.” But human nature does not willingly allow us to let go, to accept that love is not possession nor does it hold a person hostage.
Love, the feeling, started out in rose colored glasses and a fiery passion that put UY Scuti to shame: the constant phone calls that lasted hours, the longing when they were away and yearning that accompanies the kaleidoscope of butterflies in your stomach each time their name rings in the air,
They say time heals, mends and remedies, but you have since learned that time tells and turns things sour.
The rose-colored glasses fractured, and faded, letting in the harsh glare of reality. The butterflies that inhabited your stomach ceased to beat their wings, each day adding a layer of unwarranted complexities into your once vibrant union.
All of it as though the petals of roses withered when tested, leaving behind thorns that pricked and pierced; words that stung and stayed.
You tried to work it out, to put differences aside but nothing you do seems to work. Talks and more talks, with agendas: ‘clean slate’ and ‘let us try harder’, but what really does happen when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Beloved, love is a mercurial muse.
Blinded by love that wants to possess , a love that drips of selfishness, you try to hold on to a crippling maybe it will work this time, but you realize that the true show of your love is to loosen your grip, to set each other free. Your love was malnourished and you suffocated under the weight of the hurt, any more time and it would breed resentment.
Your heart broke: loud and irreparable. Feelings of failure and inadequancy for letting the fire die out came charging in, rattling your world and shading your days. Deep down, you understand it is for the best, and your happiness does not lie with each other.
The hearts you traded had to be returned, time was the overseer of that too.
“Love liberates, it does not hold,” you told yourself every time you felt your heart break. Days turned into weeks and weeks into years. The remnants of that love faded into the corner of your mind, a bittersweet ache that reminded you that once there was love.
Life bring new experiences, new loves, they all grow from the beautiful ashes of a former flame, a forgotten history.
Maybe, beloved, in some distant future, you will meet the love you liberated, your eyes will meet and recognition will dawn.
“I would have set the world on fire for you,” you will think with a smile. Your familiar stranger. You have grown, evolved, and rebranded a million times in the wake of your separation. You wish them well, you wish them happiness: your love does not confine.
You are grateful for the time, the memories, the moments, and the insane amounts of courage it took to say goodbye. You realize it was an act of grace and an offering of laissez-aller.
You remain strangers, untethered to each other, and each contented in your separate lives. Some loves, no matter how fierce, are not meant to last forever in the conventional way.
You let go, not out of weakness, but strength.
You went your way, not out of indifference, but out of love.
You send them your good wishes on whisphered winds, hoping that life’s wonders find their way to their doorstep and life’s serendipities grace their path.
Time does heal, you realize, and out of love, one should know when they have fallen out of love.
First and foremost, before I say anything on what it means to be in a relationship and the things I have learned, here is my first and probably most important piece of advice:
Your self-love must always be stronger than your desire to be loved by others.
It is so important to be able to see past the need to be externally loved and validated. I keep saying that you have to set the pace on how you want to be seen, to be treated and to be loved. You have to show yourself all those gestures, tell yourself all those affirmations and be there for yourself before you can ask someone else to do the same.
I will honestly say, there have been instances in the past where I would look past my wants and my needs to appease my relationship, times where I took on a whole different persona to be “right” for someone, and times I downplayed my emotions to fit a certain narrative in my deluded ideas. The things I tolerated in the past disgust me, but there is no use thinking about them because I will cry at my naive insanity and lack of self-worth.
When I entered the dating pool, I was so unaware of the do’s and don’ts of the arena, excited to be partnered with someone who was in hindsight the worst possible match, and to be “loved/valued”. I wish someone anyone had sat me down on what to expect, what to avoid and what to remember. I will play big sister role here and let you in on some relationship advice for the single, searching and/or broken-hearted girlies:
Even if the relationship was toxic, the goodbye still leaves you reeling. You had plans, you were in sync and love for this person was certain. You were so sure of the person you were together. Even when things were falling apart, and you both knew there was nothing to be salvaged from the wreck, it takes insane amounts of courage to say goodbye to what was to be a forever thing.
Sometimes when we get into relationships with people, we expect them to fix or fill certain holes and gaps in us that we are convinced need fixing or healing. And then get very frustrated, and angry when they don’t fix these things or fit the narrative we have set . You become bitter towards your partner because how dare they not cut parts of themselves to fill your blanks. How dare they not fix our traumas, make us whole and I am here you tell you, nobody is coming to save you.
You will certainly meet people who will ask you to be less of yourself because of their inferiority complex. They cannot stand women who do better than them, they feel threatened in the presence of a woman who can hold their own, and they will do anything to bring you to their level. No man is worth throwing your career and ambitions away. Especially not at your tender age and you haven’t lived enough, small small you should not be compromising on your career/goals/vision. Focus on you. Your boyfriend threatens to leave you if you pick you? Let him leave and continue to shamelessly chose and prioritize yourself. Your partner should venture into finding some self-worth and some shame.
Things I would use charms/witchcraft for:
Money: Because I am a soft life babe and I love nice things.
What I would not use witchcraft for: To keep a man. It is not worth it and for the sake of peace and happiness, don’t do it. Use witchcraft to defeat inflation, I am begging you! (For real though, can y’all bring down the cost of living? Things are getting ridiculous.)
Men who do no want you will treat you like an afterthought, like an option because they know that no matter how terribly they treat you, you will go back. Men know to treat the people they want well and you are not a multiple question answer, and please, it is a full time job hating your partners interactions with the other gender. You don tire, if he respected you, you would not be playing John Cena with other girls every two market days.
Not everyone needs to be forgiven; some people will never try to grow from old habits or change their approach on things. I will bet you my last dollar they will say, “This is who I am” or “I have always been like this”. Run!
People will inevitably make mistakes and change does not happen overnight; as long as they make a continuous effort towards being better, demonstrate accountability for their actions, and as long as you still want them around, they are forgiveable in my eyes. It requires patience and understanding to move forward after hurdles but it is doable where there is mutual love.
I did not say forgive cheating, azakutengelani matenda.
When you cheat on your partner and sabotage your own relationship, you deny yourself happiness. You deny and take away from yourself a safe, secure, happy relationship and partner. You are risking losing someone who cares about you and is willing to give and share with you all the happiness they can amass. You are hurting the person you love and cheating is no accident, please. It is not like you were walking and slipped and fell into another person’s —
Give as much (if not more) as you get, give it everything. No matter that you have been hurt and have suffered in love, your present partner should not pay for the sins of someone else. They have not hurt you, they have not given you any reason not to trust them and they deserve all the love you can offer. If you find yourself giving more than you get, communicate and if it falls on non-listening ears, take your effort elsewhere. It is important to understand and empathize with where people are coming from. Nothing is ever as straightforward especially where hearts are/were involved, we are a product of our past experiences and environments.
Note: Understanding them does not mean you should take constant disrespect.
Knowing how you want to be loved and then asking your partner how they like to be loved will make your relationship easier. In the beginning, it will be like sampling wine and picking a favorite but it takes time to really really learn what you like. And please, it is okay to like being gifted, that is how you like love being shown to you. It is also equally important to know how to apologize to your partner when things go south.
All in all, love is such a beautiful thing, a surreal and wonderful experience, especially when you are loved by a thoughtful person who makes an effort to understand you and be there for you. I highly recommend going out there and finding love, basking in it and feeling safe with entrusting your heart to your partner. I have been loved deeply and truly before but life had other plans. I, therefore, cannot (will never) settle for half-assed efforts and sickly relationships that force me into uncomfortable spaces or try to reinvent me into something I am not. My next relationship search will definitely come out as a vacancy in the newspaper, job description and all.
I hope you love yourself effortlessly and trust yourself without borders. I hope chance finds you and helps you blossom and mistakes don’t leave deep scars that never heal. I hope you dream and shine and find love worth every fight in you.
In my experience, I have never encountered a love that seemed to justify the needless pain it brought, mainly because I misunderstood their intentions as a form of “tough” love. Looking back, I now realize that it was a love that could easily be discarded, it was a love that held no true value, and I would have led a happier life without it.
Ps. Ego and pride have no room in any healthy relationship.
Signing out as your relationship guru who is not in a relationship or remotely interested in vama love,
That’s what adulthood should be labelled as because all the grownups when I was a kid were cruising nicely, I could have sworn they had it all figured out. I thought all the wrongs of the world would make sense when I “grew up” but so far, not so good. I got scammed and I have a million questions.
As I get older I realise how making my bed can be the start to a great and fulfilling day, that the things we obsess over don’t always matter, nobody is looking at you as much and as hard as you think they are, we all think differently because we were all raised differently and react differently.
I think the highlight of my discoveries was reading and then realising that we experience things and people differently.
Life is about perspective and from where I stand, here are the 10 things I wish I knew before I ventured into my 20s (besides that being an adult is a full time job with minimal benefits):
You will not always win, that is a fact. Like everyone else, you have a plan on how your life will pan out, you have all the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed but newsflash, life is not a straight line. Hell, it is not even a circle or a triangle, it looks more like an infant’s writing on the wall: scrambled and multidirectional. Dream, dream big and outrageously and when things go your way, hooray! If they don’t, you dust yourself up and try again. There is no rule that says you cannot rebrand yourself a million times or restart a gazillion times, the most important thing is to just start.
Seeing others do so well and succeed in what seems to be every aspect of their life, you will wish you were “more like them.” You will model yourself to what ever your idol is but the thing is, people rarely show you the struggle it took or is for them to be themselves. Wishing someone’s life upon yourself is not as good or easy as it is put out to be. What you can do is be you, find your voice, follow your passions and make the most of everything you have around you. It is okay to idolise others but it can be done while remaining true to yourself.
Being confident in yourself and your abilities will take you places, I promise. Walk into every room like you belong there, hold your head high and speak clearly and with intention. And whenever you can, build a longer table.
There have been instances where I think, “Yeah, this is definitely forever.” And I was wrong, disturbingly so. You will run into friends that are just for that season of your life, like lightning, bright and beautiful but it doesn’t last. Something just won’t last. No matter how hard you try to hold on to them and justify clinging to them for dear life, they have to go.
People. Places. Moments. Feelings.
Rock bottom has a basement.
I have been there and it is not pretty, or desirable. I thought my world was ending and that I was ending with it. The walls were shaking, the floor was freaking, the roof had caved it, it was dark and I was alone.
But even that, even my darkest hour, came to pass. I was angry with the world for not pausing so I could catch my breath, that I was being forced to face each day, and when it all came to an end, I realised that it was and is for the best. The fact that the world remains in motion even on our most human days is the best and the worst thing about it.N
No matter what happens tomorrow day, the sun will rise tomorrow.
Those mistakes you see others making, those decisions you deem irresponsible, those things you see as irrelevant and you think, “I would never.” Or “Could never be me.” Sweetheart, it could be you before you close your eyes and open them. You would be nevering like never before.
Moral of the story is to never judge situations you have never been in or have never experienced. It is so easy to sit in the sidelines and judge others, “if it were me, I would have..”, well honey, it is not you. You have no idea what it feels like to experience that, to hold that much power, to be that helpless, to be that vulnerable , or to be that unfortunate.
You spend the most time with you, hear you all day, and be you every other day. Take care of you, nurture you, show you the same kindness and compassion you show others.
You are so important. Even in the ways you do not realise, you are valuable and deserve everything nice in this life. Who is going to give you all that? You are.
You are not immune to errors and making mistakes but show yourself some grace and offer yourself that forgiveness. You didn’t know better, now you do. You are human and you should love and prioritise yourself.
Self care is not selfish.
The day I realised that everyone is freestyling is the day I knew peace. Literally everyone around you has no idea what life is, they could not (on their best days) define for you want life entails other than being true to yourself and your beliefs. That’s it.
No one has a manual (that is not religious) that can tell you word for word how to go about life, how to navigate this circus or what purspose or reward there is for just living. Freestyle! Everyone is just freestlying! Mmene wayimvelela basitu. Know that and you will know peace.
One thing people will always have is an opinion, no matter how much good or bad you do. They are entitled to one. Even the ones that lack common sense will have something to say in spaces that require zero to no input.
You shouldn’t care (unless it makes you happy or it makes you money). You do not need their approval on anything, can you imagine how chaotic your life would be if you absorbed every opinion someone put out? It would be nothing short of problematic and stressful on your end.
Through all this, you are the ultimate decider of what you allow, what boundaries you set, what goals you have and what you want in your life.
You reap what you sow. You get what you put out into the universe.
Talk positively about yourself, let the negativity of the world roll off your back, take charge of your everyday tasks no matter how small they might be. Live.
Find happiness in everything. In sitting quietly reading, in the way the sunsets beautifully and how the warm breeze crushes against your skin. You will not always be happy and that is okay too, it is part of the human experience. Nothing is sold separately.
You are worth everything this life has to offer. The time, the attention, the energy, the flowers and the beautiful moments. You can have it all.
Your 20s will be filled with growth, plot twists, self-discoveries and hopefully, connections that defy time and space. I wish present-me could send past-me a letter of some sort on what growing up entails. Ready myself in a way for all that is to come to pass but the only letter I have written is the one to my 18 year old self.
What are the things you wish you knew before your 20s? Share in the comments and don’t forget to subscribe.
With all my love,
The girl who dreams in colours yet to be discovered.🌻
I have tried so hard to find an opening that would make sense to you at this point but I can’t. I am writing to you from a place of compassion and understanding, having been in your shoes and knowing the depths of agonising pain and turmoil you are enduring. I want you to know that you are not alone, and despite all these dark and meaningless days that haunt and surround you, there will be a time for healing and even happiness.
I remember most things and my brain has blacked out the parts that send me spiralling into those memories, but I remember the overwhelming love you felt. The kind that consumed your heart and soul. You gave it everything you could, everything there was to give but life, my love, has a way of throwing chaos into our paths and the path you walked on took an unforeseen turn. An unimaginable tragedy. I remember the pain as your world shattered and courage failed you, the way your legs gave away and thorns filled your inside everytime you tried to breathe. The pain was unbearable, inhumane and it felt like you were lost in the seas of despair, facing the anguish alone.
Sometimes life presents us with tragedies that are beyond our control or comprehension.
The world looked the other way, and life went on, leaving you navigating new and dark waters without a guiding light or a beacon of hope. I want you to know that it does not define your worth or your ability to be loved.
Tears are carrying you through your darkest nights, solitude and writing through the bleak days. But baby, you are stronger than you realise and in the face of all the adversity, you will find resilience, you will find yourself and you will rise…again.
Growth and healing, they won’t be easy and it is an uphill battle from here. I wish I could protect you from everything that comes after but I cannot, these are the paths you have to take. There will be moments of doubt, hopelessness, despair, anguish and loneliness, and you will want to give up. Through it all, Myra, you will persevere. You will (as I did) find the courage to rise above it all, to pick up the shattered pieces of life, and slowly, painstakingly, you will start to rebuild.
I want you to know that this pain is not forever, it does not define you. It is a part of such a bittersweet story but it is not the entirety of who you are. You survived this, you and your unconquerable spirit.
Love has a way of blinding you and even now, I will not fault you for it. Remember, your capacity to love is a beautiful quality and it is not a flaw to care deeply for others, even if it is not returned or it is rejected.
For you, I take all this happiness I have amassed and I hold onto it tightly, knowing that I have fought through darkness and conquered my deepest fears to reach this point. I am the person you become.
Be kind and compassionate with yourself. You are hurting, you are confused, you are in the depths of anguish and life has lost purpose, for now. You are facing the fight of and for your life, and your courage is commendable. I promise, you won’t always have to be this strong.
Allow yourself mistakes, to learn from them and to keep evolving into the incredible person we will become. Believe in yourself and know that you are worthy of all the love and happiness that this life has to offer.
I have a lot I want to tell you and more than anything, I wish I could hold you in my arms for a little while, just until life isn’t so heavy anymore.
There is hope. The tunnel ends. You rise and you will be happy, again.
With all my love and my heart
Present Myra🤎
I think I will ask God why for the rest of my life and never will I come to understand it. Even if God himself came in front of me and told me the reason, I don’t think I would accept it. Some loves are too hard to bear, and with great love comes great pain. With great loss, comes the greatest pain of all. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
“There may be a great fire in our soul, but no one ever comes to warm himself by it, all the passer-bys can see is a little smoke.”
Van Gogh,1880
This episode takes us into a silent battle that is being fought by 15% of couples worldwide. It is an issue that is shrouded in shame and pain, a story that most cannot come forward and tell. It is about looking up to the sky as the rain pours, mixing with the tears as they streak, begging God for a miracle, a chance…a child.
This post is not about how to overcome infertility or procedures or the medical details of it all, this is a post about the psychological effects of infertility, the mental battles that are faced every day by those that are going through this journey. It is a post that lets you see the other side of something some take lightly. It is a heartwrenching story of those who walk around every day LOOKING FOR A RAINBOW.
You probably know someone who has had troubles or continues having trouble conceiving. It could be a family member, a friend, or it could be you. Such a painful and treacherous path it is, seeing those around you making pregnancy announcements as you wait for yet another month to end and dread the heartbreaking feeling that accompanies seeing your period yet again. When you read infertility, you probably thought of a woman and that is because infertility is considered and grouped as a woman’s issue, a woman’s problem. However, male infertility can affect more than one-third of couples who are struggling to conceive. Let me not get ahead of myself here, let us start from the beginning and then expand on those. Stay with me on this one.
Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant(conceive) after one year (or longer) of unprotected sex.
The psychological trauma that comes with being unable to conceive for a long time has been (by researchers) been compared and equivalised to being diagnosed with cancer. The feelings of depression, the sense of loss, and grief are very real for both men and women. Infertility causes social withdrawal, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, feeling lonely and left out, weight loss, anxiety, depression, strained interpersonal relationships just to mention a few.
In Malawi, like in some other parts of the world, women (families) that do not have children are considered lacking and taboo. Women with infertility are usually excluded from certain activities and cultures (traditions) in the community, they are shunned, jeered, and looked down upon. Childbearing is seen as a major MUST for women and the inability to do so is met with harsh words or beatings. Women are chased from their homes, beaten by their husbands, shamed by their inlaws, and shunned by their own families. The stigma around women who are unable to conceive is harsh and cruel. In Malawi, motherhood is used as a measure of pride, the scale to measure respect and a woman’s reputation.
“Osangobeleka bwanji?” (Why don’t you just bear a child?)
Words said to someone who is already beating themselves up mentally for something they have no control over and not only that but being constantly reminded that they are worthless for being unable to bring children into the family. The lack of empathy in these words is daunting. It somehow puts blame on the individual for their inability to conceive. It is demeaning and degrading, choosing to see the other person in an alien state of being. Infertility is a battle some people are fighting and while others come out victorious, some fall deeper into the depths of their despair. Going through infertility does not make one less of a woman or a man, it does not make one a failure, it does not make you worthless. It is not and it will never be your fault.
“‘Hope is the thing with feathers – That perches in the soul – And sings the tune without the words – And never stops – at all -”
Emily Dickinson
To support someone going through infertility, you don’t have to have a bunch of inspirational words, not scripture, not answers or prophetic words. Sometimes the best you can do is sit with them in their pain, let them know you are there for them and that they are not alone. Be kind to your friends/family that are going through infertility. They may never share or put into words the depth of their sorrow or the weight of grief they carry around but it is there. The negative feelings they feel are there just below the surface waiting to come flooding from their eyes when they are alone.
It is hard.
It is really hard to watch yet another pregnancy announcement, be invited to yet another baby shower, pass the baby aisle, hear another gender reveal, watch as friends/family post their children. It must be so hard. The whole time questions flood your mind.
“When will it be my turn?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
“Why should I suffer like this?”
From Battling Infertility, September 7, 2021: “If you love me unconditionally Lord, why on Earth are you making me go through this? Why was I chosen to endure this heartbreak? What have I possibly done to deserve any of this? I have been trying so hard to understand your reasons, but I still cannot comprehend how this can be your plan for me. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of the day that I get to be a mom. It is the only thing in the world that I want to be. So why would you put such a love for something in my heart if you are not going to let me have it? Why fill my head with these dreams if they are unattainable? It hurts me knowing that I have so much anger in my heart for you, but I just can’t help it. I am so angry with you right now God. I continuously watch you bless seemingly everyone else around me with their own miracles, and yet here iI stand with empty hands. You know how desperately I want this, and you know I would give up everything I have for this, so why are you still making me wait? Why are you leaving us with even more unanswered questions? I just want to know why.
I know you have our fates decided before we even come into this world, and we have no say in that matter…but I need you to help me understand this path that I am on. I hate resenting you more than anything else, but right now at this moment I don’t know at this moment I don’t know who else to blame. So Lord, if you can hear me, I just need a sign that everything is going to be ok….that I am going to be okay.”
If you are going through infertility,
you are not alone
you are enough
you are not a failure
you are worthy
you are loved
“Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.”
Stephanie Bennett-Henry
Eternal love,
The girl who hopes the storms clear and rainbows fill the sky.💕
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Sometimes, life comes to a staggering halt for everyone, one day blends into the next and the vibrancy that comes with seeing a new day dies out. Life starts to feel monotonous and it seems to pass you by: the world is on fast forward and you have been on pause for the longest time. Routines are just that, routines, and you have fallen into a rut, you are on a treadmill going nowhere…fast.
Life becomes so hard to love, you are existing, you are surviving but you are not living, are you?
It is when we are in this pit that we stay longing for a touch of enchantment, awe or excitement that can breathe new life, hope or purpose into our weary souls; begging to be freed from the confines of familiarity, symphony of repetition and the predictability in our every day routine that casts a muted shadow on our once burning passions.
I wake up everyday and promise myself the world. That’s how I get through my days🤍
Here are not so cheesy ways in which you could fall in love with life and living…again.
Practice gratitude.
Being appreciative of the things you have now, right in front of you, allows you admiration for the present, those around you and the efforts you put in each day. It shifts your focus from what is lacking to what is abundant. Gratitude doesn’t have to centre around major shifts/changes, you can show gratitude for even the simplest of things.
Sometimes I hate this era of my life and sometimes good things happen and I am content. Always, I am grateful.
We live a huge portion of our lives caring for other people, their opinions and their feelings. We look after those around us, show them indispensable amounts of kindness and compassion, bare with them through their low points and forgive their errors, shortcomings and mistakes. Yet time and time again, we fail to afford ourselves the same grace to be human, the same patience in our growth , the same understanding in our mistakes. We all make mistakes, face setbacks, and experience moments of weakness (it is the human condition!). Rather than viewing these as failures or reasons for self-condemnation, we can continuously choose to see them as opportunities for learning and growth. I am not perfect, you are not perfect and no one expects you to be perfect. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, show some understanding for the person in the mirror who is doing their absolute best to give you everything you deserve!
No but this is by far my softest era. Thank you to the one that showed me my worth and made me realise that I need to appreciate and love myself more.✨
Make meaningful connections with people who adore you, embrace possibility and allow yourself to have outrageous dreams, savour life (spoil yourself, find beauty in the sound of rain or the way the wind feels on your skin), be your own cheerleader, be alone.sometimes, give your appearance the time of day and above all, wherever you are, only be there!
I laid down my tools a while back when I realised not everything needs fixing and not everybody needs saving.
Bless this mess because I am 67 shades over “fixing” myself and God forbid I ever go on any self discovery trip again.
— ️Ms. Myra Trudea Okumu (@myraokumu) May 19, 2022
And remember, any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. God knows what you want and what you are pushing for. Surely, you will live to see those marvelous days!
I believe in myself so much. That is the one thing I carry with me throughout my days and endeavours.
Myra Trudea Okumu 