My 2023 ended rocky and 2024 is off to a not-so-good start, maybe I will talk about why my past two new years have been terrible later. I am not here to sulk over spilled tequila.
Personally, I think 2023 was wonderful aside from the rejections, hurdles, let downs and the multiple failed attempts at escaping poverty. I had a good time and I found myself taking my own advice which is something that I have always struggled with. I mastered the art of letting go, letting things flow and cleaning my own wounds (and eventually, healing in my own space and time). Last year is still not my biggest lesson but I did manage to snatch a few here and there (Lessons of 2023: Becoming).
What did I do in 2023 that made me happy? Here is the list:
❤️
-Newspaper columnist (Thoughts of a millenial)
–Started a writers program (Tapatsidwa Writing Program)
-finished my second book (After the clouds, the sun) -new job -moved into my own space -got clients for that other thing –got a puppy, Coh
-joined America Society of Microbiology -many, many certifications –donated blood
–Attended the second Research Dissemination Conference
I tried, guys. I did my best to make the most out of 2023 and I hope 2024 will be better, especially for my mental health that took a hit towards the end. I am tending to that and picking up everything I can to bring myself back to a state of normalcy. I feel so excited for 2024 and to me, it feels like a long awaited present (I am OG delulu).
My dreams still call me, I still pursue them and it is the only toxic relationship I will tolerate in this life.
Lots of love❤️🔥
The girl with dreams that require serious amounts of delusion.
The year I decided to wake up and put myself first, to prioritise my peace, my space, my happiness and my inner sense of self. And my goodness, what a year it has been! From moving out, to my first pet and my first permanent job? I do not have words to describe how wonderful, breathtaking and awe-inspiring this year has been.
While 2022 was my year of healing, 2023 allowed me to live in that healed space and to thrive in my own life. I never thought I would achieve all that I have and that just goes to show that time does heal all the wounds we clean and tend to, it fades scars as well, and clears all the smoke from the bridges we had to burn.
What made my 2023 do great and better than the last 4 years of my life? A deep dive:
1. I let myself live
In every sense of that sentence.
I let myself find joy in the small things and the most mundane of tasks. I let myself dream big and vividly, pushing myself in the pursuit of said dreams. In the many times that I failed and life tasted a little sour, I reminded myself that I have come so far and I can only make it further. I have lived, I have laughed and cried a little too, and I am so grateful for the year 2023 has been.
2. Everything that came, I was there.
For my mistakes, I was there to witness them, to let them roll off my back and leave lessons. For my wins, I was there too to cheer for myself and cry a little tears of joy. For my most human days, I was there to remind myself that it is okay to feel lost, to feel like you are not doing enough, to feel left out, to feel all those emotions.
For everything I have encountered in this year, I have not strayed from my presence. I have been rooted in my body and in the present, letting myself sit in my miseries and in my joys and allowing myself the intensity of many emotions.
3. I believed in myself
Yes, we have all heard to believe in ourselves but I did it!
I did not let fear or anxiety govern what I do or how I operate in certain things. I have asked for what I want, worked hard for what I deserve and written my heart out on any page that would allow me.
I am a dreamer and a believer. I dream in vivid colours, and believe in the endlessness that is imagination. My dream remains Tapatsidwa Writers Program and that will be my legacy. Do or die.
4. I allowed myself to make mistakes
Small things. Allowed myself to sleep past my life to allow myself a chance to absorb the day, prepare myself mentally and make a to-do list in my head.
I did not beat myself up for the things I cannot control or the things beyond my reach. I cannot be everywhere at once, the day only has twenty-four hours, and I only have two hands and one brain. There is only so much i can do in a day. I am human.
5. I loved
Where I could, I loved.
WHAT WERE THE MANY FIRSTS?
A puppy named Coh
I moved out and I am working on furnishing my house
I became a full time columnist (Thoughts of a millennial in The Weekend Nation)
I organized an online event for writers across Africa
I got my first permanent job!
Anyways, I have to go, my loves and I will be seeing you all on the next one! The dreams are calling me by my full government name!
I have had a terrible week and I really want to talk about it, why not blog about it?
It started with constant sadness and absent mindedness, the usual PMS symptoms but without the MS. I swear for a second there I thought I was going crazy and losing my mind. Please, don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of things to be thankful for, things to look forward to, and I am surrounded by people with good intentions and support system that never fails.
What more would a girl ask for, you would ask.
And the answer is “I don’t know.” I should be grateful for the amazing job I have, for the friends I have, for the love that surrounds me, for the support I get, for this life I have made for myself, for the chance I get everyday to be a better person, for the things that continuously align in my favour, and countless other things!
I am drowning in my own head at this point and it is safe to say, sanity has vacated the building and recommended me to the nearest shrink.
How do I break this cycle?
What am I doing wrong or different?
What is misaligning my life?
I usually have everything dotted and crossed, organised in files and written down. Right now, I don’t. I am free styling and it is going terribly.
I could cry, but that would mean dedicating time and effort to that and I am not in the mood.
(Takes a deep breath)
It escalated into isolation, brooding, and avoidance. I should have said something, sure, but how do you explain a problem that has no plausible explanation or cause? How do you say ‘I am not okay’ when everything is okay? Just how.
I am so tired of not being 100% in my own life. Of not showing up for myself and for people in the ways I ought to, and I am so tired of holding myself hostage in this situation. Simple, mundane tasks I can complete in minutes being dragged through days, lack of organisation and focus; all that is not me.
I am human, I am allowed bad days.
But I choose (from tomorrow, because today went to waste) to be intentional.
I choose to be intentional about doing right by myself and celebrating myself for being me. Not cause I have achieved something.I will remind myself that even on the days I do not do anything that is praiseworthy, I am still an incredible human with amazing potential and qualities.
I will not take love away from myself or deny myself good things because I did not live to a certain expectation. I will applaud myself for being present each day and show myself compassion on the days when nothing makes sense.
I have to be intentional about breaking some patterns that I have noticed in myself . The procrastination? In the bin. The lack of focus, the anxiety over mundane tasks, the lack of writing, the constant excuses, unnecessary distractions? All of it, everything goes in the dumpster or incinerator. Whichever one is more permanent.Nothing changes until I change.I have to choose to change.
I have to be Intentional about my goals and your vision or I will be manifesting and sabaweling forever. My intentions and my actions should align. The choices I make for myself everyday should be in the direction of what I want, I should put in the work, the time, the energy and triple the efforts. This is my vision and my dream, it is what I want for myself and I have to intentionally set myself up for success.
I have to make life more enjoyable for myself. I did not come on this Earth to pay bills and survive, I came here for enjoyment and enjoyment at its finest. I should plan great experiences for myself, pick out activities and execute them, regardless if it’s just me. I should be more intentional about having a grand time!
I know this blog post will come as a shock because who posts about their losses? Why not just pretend to have it all figured out, huh? Because I think it is important to know that behind this keyboard is a whole human being with feelings and emotions just like everybody else. That I too have terrible days and weeks. That we all have our uphill battles once in a while and it does so much good to just let it all out. I will be sure to update this post within the week, let you all know how I am doing with my blurry dreams and dimmed hopes.
Please, do not feel inclined to reach out to me. You can simply comment and that will suffice.
A gentle reminder from your blog auntie that we write our story everyday through the choices that we make.
If you ask Andrew about love, he will laugh at the notion of falling in love with more than one person in one lifetime, but I would not take his word for it. While others had to sacrifice two black chickens, fight a kangaroo and twerk for their ancestors, Andrew met the love of his life and just knew.
Congratulations on your engagement, if you read this. How does it feel to be God’s favorite?
Priscilla, on the other hand, will look you in the eye for a good five seconds, probably gauging how to tell you that love is a scam by businesses to make money out of the bothersome feeling.
Has she been in love? Yes, she thinks so. She is almost sure that she has been in love more than once.
She will let out a low ‘hhmm’ and cross her arms on her chest. Where does she begin explaining about love, her love?
Okay, she starts and eyes you again, quickly fixing her glasses over her nose. She doesn’t know whether to cry or laugh, love has shown her many faces. She would tell you about this boy, whose name I will not name; he was funny and charming, and he quickly snatched her heart and imprisoned it in a chest together with his. That summer was short lived, she will explain scrunching her face at the memory. She would probably suck air through her teeth and clap her hands as African mothers do to express anger, fatigue, or disapproval.
Six years and a whole circus queen later, the man has not been chopped as she has done for any pestering men. Her heart remains a prisoner in some cage, she knows not where and probably does not want it freed. She was burned by a love meant to keep her warm.
Never again, she will mutter under her breath, quietly asking God to keep forbidding that love ever scar her again.
What would Tadala say about love, I wonder. She wears her heart in a titanium locket, guarded by two gorgons, and where is this locket? In the labyrinth with the minotaur. You get the gist, don’t you?
It is only recently that her heart has been spotted on her sleeve, shocked the voice out of me I will admit. But what would she say about love? Would she say it is train that comes barreling towards you and should be handled with care? Or would she cheer you to step on the train tracks and see where that takes you?
I am not sure if she is a hopeless romantic, unlike some of us who are more hopeless than romantic, or she is just cautious about putting herself out there to be hurt? She eyes any love/affection handed to her with the same skepticism you would someone handing you a can of beetles on your birthday. To her, there is always a catch, always something behind the pleasantries.
What do you want with me? I think she asks all her suitors. Giving them a once over, showing them her serious face. The same face she reserves for the people who touch her property without express written permission from her. She likes to intimidate them; to her the sexiest thing a man can be is a little scared of her.
Myra, on the other hand, never learns. They tell her fire is hot and it burns, Myra must go see it for herself; she refuses to take your word for it. Just because it burned you, it does not mean it will also burn me, she will say with the confidence of a monkey swinging on a broken branch. She will get burned by the blue flame, as she was by the orange flame, and the red flame before that, but that will not deter this moth from being attracted to fire. You would think she likes to be burned from her gravitation towards all the dark things love is professed to be; the dark obsessions and the senseless passions.
Quite the opposite.
If you ask Myra about love, she will smile. She has found love in a space she had reserved for self-love. And please, before you run to go lecture her about the absurdity that is love, read the beginning of her paragraph.
She will smile and recount to you all the things love can be; a sweet serenade, an act of surrender, a muse. In love’s embrace, she has found her that vulnerability has offered her joy. She has lost herself in infatuations before this and knows all the things love is not supposed to be, and she knows that true love sets you free. She knows that there is togetherness and individuality in love, that it exists in spaces that allow it to thrive, and passion is a fickle flame.
Goodluck to all the lovers there, especially those looking for ‘The One’. Love, in all its beautiful forms, comes from the soul. We were made to love and to be loved in return. It is the affirmation that our existence matters to someone else, that we are cherished, flaws and all. To be loved is to find refuge in another’s presence, to feel seen and understood, and to experience a sense of belonging.
Always the warmest hugs,
Writing from a space filled with multicolored dreams and love.
That’s what adulthood should be labelled as because all the grownups when I was a kid were cruising nicely, I could have sworn they had it all figured out. I thought all the wrongs of the world would make sense when I “grew up” but so far, not so good. I got scammed and I have a million questions.
As I get older I realise how making my bed can be the start to a great and fulfilling day, that the things we obsess over don’t always matter, nobody is looking at you as much and as hard as you think they are, we all think differently because we were all raised differently and react differently.
I think the highlight of my discoveries was reading and then realising that we experience things and people differently.
Life is about perspective and from where I stand, here are the 10 things I wish I knew before I ventured into my 20s (besides that being an adult is a full time job with minimal benefits):
You will not always win, that is a fact. Like everyone else, you have a plan on how your life will pan out, you have all the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed but newsflash, life is not a straight line. Hell, it is not even a circle or a triangle, it looks more like an infant’s writing on the wall: scrambled and multidirectional. Dream, dream big and outrageously and when things go your way, hooray! If they don’t, you dust yourself up and try again. There is no rule that says you cannot rebrand yourself a million times or restart a gazillion times, the most important thing is to just start.
Seeing others do so well and succeed in what seems to be every aspect of their life, you will wish you were “more like them.” You will model yourself to what ever your idol is but the thing is, people rarely show you the struggle it took or is for them to be themselves. Wishing someone’s life upon yourself is not as good or easy as it is put out to be. What you can do is be you, find your voice, follow your passions and make the most of everything you have around you. It is okay to idolise others but it can be done while remaining true to yourself.
Being confident in yourself and your abilities will take you places, I promise. Walk into every room like you belong there, hold your head high and speak clearly and with intention. And whenever you can, build a longer table.
There have been instances where I think, “Yeah, this is definitely forever.” And I was wrong, disturbingly so. You will run into friends that are just for that season of your life, like lightning, bright and beautiful but it doesn’t last. Something just won’t last. No matter how hard you try to hold on to them and justify clinging to them for dear life, they have to go.
People. Places. Moments. Feelings.
Rock bottom has a basement.
I have been there and it is not pretty, or desirable. I thought my world was ending and that I was ending with it. The walls were shaking, the floor was freaking, the roof had caved it, it was dark and I was alone.
But even that, even my darkest hour, came to pass. I was angry with the world for not pausing so I could catch my breath, that I was being forced to face each day, and when it all came to an end, I realised that it was and is for the best. The fact that the world remains in motion even on our most human days is the best and the worst thing about it.N
No matter what happens tomorrow day, the sun will rise tomorrow.
Those mistakes you see others making, those decisions you deem irresponsible, those things you see as irrelevant and you think, “I would never.” Or “Could never be me.” Sweetheart, it could be you before you close your eyes and open them. You would be nevering like never before.
Moral of the story is to never judge situations you have never been in or have never experienced. It is so easy to sit in the sidelines and judge others, “if it were me, I would have..”, well honey, it is not you. You have no idea what it feels like to experience that, to hold that much power, to be that helpless, to be that vulnerable , or to be that unfortunate.
You spend the most time with you, hear you all day, and be you every other day. Take care of you, nurture you, show you the same kindness and compassion you show others.
You are so important. Even in the ways you do not realise, you are valuable and deserve everything nice in this life. Who is going to give you all that? You are.
You are not immune to errors and making mistakes but show yourself some grace and offer yourself that forgiveness. You didn’t know better, now you do. You are human and you should love and prioritise yourself.
Self care is not selfish.
The day I realised that everyone is freestyling is the day I knew peace. Literally everyone around you has no idea what life is, they could not (on their best days) define for you want life entails other than being true to yourself and your beliefs. That’s it.
No one has a manual (that is not religious) that can tell you word for word how to go about life, how to navigate this circus or what purspose or reward there is for just living. Freestyle! Everyone is just freestlying! Mmene wayimvelela basitu. Know that and you will know peace.
One thing people will always have is an opinion, no matter how much good or bad you do. They are entitled to one. Even the ones that lack common sense will have something to say in spaces that require zero to no input.
You shouldn’t care (unless it makes you happy or it makes you money). You do not need their approval on anything, can you imagine how chaotic your life would be if you absorbed every opinion someone put out? It would be nothing short of problematic and stressful on your end.
Through all this, you are the ultimate decider of what you allow, what boundaries you set, what goals you have and what you want in your life.
You reap what you sow. You get what you put out into the universe.
Talk positively about yourself, let the negativity of the world roll off your back, take charge of your everyday tasks no matter how small they might be. Live.
Find happiness in everything. In sitting quietly reading, in the way the sunsets beautifully and how the warm breeze crushes against your skin. You will not always be happy and that is okay too, it is part of the human experience. Nothing is sold separately.
You are worth everything this life has to offer. The time, the attention, the energy, the flowers and the beautiful moments. You can have it all.
Your 20s will be filled with growth, plot twists, self-discoveries and hopefully, connections that defy time and space. I wish present-me could send past-me a letter of some sort on what growing up entails. Ready myself in a way for all that is to come to pass but the only letter I have written is the one to my 18 year old self.
What are the things you wish you knew before your 20s? Share in the comments and don’t forget to subscribe.
With all my love,
The girl who dreams in colours yet to be discovered.🌻
Sometimes, life comes to a staggering halt for everyone, one day blends into the next and the vibrancy that comes with seeing a new day dies out. Life starts to feel monotonous and it seems to pass you by: the world is on fast forward and you have been on pause for the longest time. Routines are just that, routines, and you have fallen into a rut, you are on a treadmill going nowhere…fast.
Life becomes so hard to love, you are existing, you are surviving but you are not living, are you?
It is when we are in this pit that we stay longing for a touch of enchantment, awe or excitement that can breathe new life, hope or purpose into our weary souls; begging to be freed from the confines of familiarity, symphony of repetition and the predictability in our every day routine that casts a muted shadow on our once burning passions.
I wake up everyday and promise myself the world. That’s how I get through my days🤍
Here are not so cheesy ways in which you could fall in love with life and living…again.
Practice gratitude.
Being appreciative of the things you have now, right in front of you, allows you admiration for the present, those around you and the efforts you put in each day. It shifts your focus from what is lacking to what is abundant. Gratitude doesn’t have to centre around major shifts/changes, you can show gratitude for even the simplest of things.
Sometimes I hate this era of my life and sometimes good things happen and I am content. Always, I am grateful.
We live a huge portion of our lives caring for other people, their opinions and their feelings. We look after those around us, show them indispensable amounts of kindness and compassion, bare with them through their low points and forgive their errors, shortcomings and mistakes. Yet time and time again, we fail to afford ourselves the same grace to be human, the same patience in our growth , the same understanding in our mistakes. We all make mistakes, face setbacks, and experience moments of weakness (it is the human condition!). Rather than viewing these as failures or reasons for self-condemnation, we can continuously choose to see them as opportunities for learning and growth. I am not perfect, you are not perfect and no one expects you to be perfect. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, show some understanding for the person in the mirror who is doing their absolute best to give you everything you deserve!
No but this is by far my softest era. Thank you to the one that showed me my worth and made me realise that I need to appreciate and love myself more.✨
Make meaningful connections with people who adore you, embrace possibility and allow yourself to have outrageous dreams, savour life (spoil yourself, find beauty in the sound of rain or the way the wind feels on your skin), be your own cheerleader, be alone.sometimes, give your appearance the time of day and above all, wherever you are, only be there!
I laid down my tools a while back when I realised not everything needs fixing and not everybody needs saving.
Bless this mess because I am 67 shades over “fixing” myself and God forbid I ever go on any self discovery trip again.
— ️Ms. Myra Trudea Okumu (@myraokumu) May 19, 2022
And remember, any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. God knows what you want and what you are pushing for. Surely, you will live to see those marvelous days!
I believe in myself so much. That is the one thing I carry with me throughout my days and endeavours.
Being a person that grew up in a big family, moving out has always seemed daunting in the very least. That and being alone in a house I cater for. I grew up in the chaos of a full house and so much noise around that having my own space seems unnatural and weird. In casual conversation, I would be explaining something about home and someone randomly asks, “All those people live in one house?” And I would shrug and say yes because it is very normal for me to be around my big family. Absolutely adore it, if I am being honest.
The first place you live alone, away from your family, he said, is the first place you become a person, the first place you become yourself.
My first move would be the time I went for my student internships at Zomba Central Hospital and had no choice but to kiss my mother’s house a sad goodbye. Still, everything was catered for by my parents and I didn’t have bills or groceries to worry about, all I had to do was call and my bills were paid and food delivered/eaten. That was in 2021. I lived in Kalimbuka and walked to and from work everyday. Funny thing is I moved once while I was in Zomba, same area but a bit closer to the hospital. I was in Zomba for 4 months.
I grew a liking for the solitude and the freedom I didn’t have much use for, seeing as I spent nearly all my time at work and the weekends resting my legs. Still, that small space of seeing the works of the world outside my norm grew on me…a seedling in fertile soil.
Enter 2022, graduation, end of first and second internship, job, businesses etc., I decide to try adulting again. A significant amount of planning later and here I am, planning the big move. House hunting has been excruciatingly hard, exhausting and costly and has proven to be the most draining things I have had to do in 2023. With the cost of living through the roof, trying to stock and furnish my future living space has had my budget and my bank account in tears. Someone said you grow up twice and the second one is when you learn the price of curtains, they were far from wrong. However, I have had a ton of help in most areas and one can say, my anxiety about all this is eased almost everyday.
Budgeting, purchasing, more budgeting and a lot of Pinterest later, I am half scared out of my mind and very excited for another chapter of my life, which may or may include living my best authentic life. I am choosing to see this as a step outside my comfort zone which is something I promised myself I would do. Moving and seeing the world just might be that boost and motivation I need this year, knowing mum and dad won’t be pitching in to save me because I spent too much on milkshakes.
I am betting on my own growth and my own success to see me through. I will be making other posts and of course, vlogs on my YouTube channel on this: how to budget, my 3 pages long to-do list, balling on a budget, choosing household items and everything else you will need to know when you also decide to jump out of the nest. Fingers crossed, my lovelies.
Can’t we all agree that we have had enough of 2023? Restart the year or just jump to the next? Merry Christmas and Happy New Year? No? Okay. Atleast I tried.
Welcome to Myra’s goal getting year , what has she gotten other than disappointments, failed balance and/or trust issues?
No, I got none of that actually. What I have gotten is more blessings that I bargained for, more love, more friendship connections, more balance, and just more of everything I asked for. I can say, without any fear of contradiction, I am cruising softly.
Seeing as my vision board is coming to life and I have achieved more than half of the things I set out to do, I thought it would be nice to share progress and share my new, improved and revised vision board.
I was right to map out a physical manifestation of the things that I wanted because it did give me purpose to get up each day and strive to achieve those things. I could and can still see exactly what I want, those brightly colored dreams that never seen to dull and burn bright with passion! I have slacked on some of them and overdelivered on more, I simply remind myself that I am doing this for me: my fulfilment and my happiness. I would highly recommend setting up a vision board for everyone that has goals they want to reach and milestones they can measure their goals with.
What have I cancelled out so far and what have I added:
1. I have gained more YouTube subscribers!
I have celebrated this win so much, you would think I have been consistent in posting content (askies guys!). I have not been able to stick to my proposed schedule and that really shows on my almost videoless channel but I am really working on that. I am learning to remember to film things and writing down ideas and all that. If you have not yet subscribed, use this link to join the family! I am truly grateful to everyone that subscribed to my channel and all the support means a lot to me. Y’all are amazing!
2. More money! I am NOT rich please abeg (but may Allah(swt) grant me that privilege). I am just saying I am able to do the things I want to do when I want to do them, that is not something I could say a year ago and I am so grateful for that chance. I work a beautiful job with hardworking people, my business has been on hold due to unforeseen circumstances but I am here and I am giving myself the best of everything! The theme of my life is no wahala’rd, guys!
As for ChateauxMw, see all my loyal and beautiful customers soon with beautiful scrunchies, organic hair products and just more and better of everything!
3. Prioritsing my peace.
Ah yes, the goose that lays golden eggs: putting yourself first. I am here to testify that it pays off to be selfish with yourself: with your presence, with your space, with your time and with your energy. I cannot emphasize the absolute need to take care of yourself and to center your efforts in living a happy life, not the perfect one but a happy one. I will admit that one cannot be happy 100% of the time and sometimes, we are neither happy nor sad but living in moments and creating precious memories. My peace has been a focal point in my journey and has come with acceptance of situations.
I have become more accepting of life, more tolerant of people and their problematic views, more understanding of people’s choice and most of all, more patient with myself as I go through all the seasons that were meant for me. I have also accepted that not everyone will stick around through the said seasons and that is okay. It is okay and only right for other people to prioritise themselves and their peace away from me, I wish them well from a God-fearing distance.Change is tough and adapting to new things is tougher but I find that, more and more each day, there is nothing more serene, breathtaking and beautiful like learning to love yourself all over again!
4. Vlogging equipment!
I never understood why content creators had so many tripods until I launched by YouTube channel and that was my uhuh moment. Now, at my earliest convenience, you will find my googling the price of cameras, tripods, lighting equipment, microphones and I can not keep up with the prices! What a time to be alive, ladies and gentlemen. I have acquired a few things on the list and you can find a complete list of my vlogging equipment here.
Would I say I am more successful, more calm, more grateful, more soulful, more present and more personal? Yes, I am. I am everything I have worked to be and more. I am the things that have happen, continue to happen and are happening to and for me, a collection of priceless items. I have had my bad days, some I do not have the words for yet but it’s coming. I am sitting here at 00:02 on a Friday dawn writing this and pouring my heart and thoughts out and man, this is (almost) everything I wished for! I have problems like every other person but I get through them and life will forever go on for me.
Here is the new board, exempt of everything achieved, eager to tick more boxes:
My new board is mostly focused on giving me the softest life possible and yes, I will never stop manifesting more streams of income.More money, a book launch, a skincare routine, a knitting machine, what more could a girl ask for?
What was on your vision board that has been a big hooray! so far? Let me know in the comments!
It’s more common for people to write or talk about the things they want to do or see or experience in this life and most uncommon to find a written list of things/experiences/expectations one hope misses them. I have had my fair share of adversity as has anyone who has lived and I have settled into a space where I know what I want, what I don’t want, what I can tolerate and what I can not absolutely stand etc.
Man, life isn’t roses, it isn’t as simple as the alphabet and I know this is not what I ever imagined for myself. You live, you learn. From people, from stories, from experiences…from living.
Here are 4 things that can miss me both ways as they roam this floating ball of rock:
1. StRoNg, hard woman who has to bond over smoke, fire and back pains. Don’t get me wrong, I respect people’s choice and mine just happens to be not bending over backwards to impress people or to be considered…what’s the word? What word do I use to describe what African home use to term girls that are always up and about doing every chore known to man? I would rather delegate mundane tasks to make space and time for other things (and before you come at me with ‘As a woman you must…’ please, not me.Try Jesus, not me.) I do my share of things but I am a busy person and I will always try to lighten my workload regardless of how that may look or come off to people. I will be a strong and hard woman never, I subscribed to soft life and the package deal comes with convenience.
2. Relationships where I am not accepted for the person that I am and the values I live by. I find that I have (in the past) compromised on things I shouldn’t have and yes, I know that relationships require sacrifice but hah! Why am I the sacrifice? Friend, I overcommit and that much I know and that has led me into relationships where my values are literally being tossed at the door like muddied slippers and I am being governed by someone else’s constitution entirely! When the heavens where distributing shame, I wasn’t there.
I have put other peoples needs first at the expense of my own happiness, prioritised other peoples problems like I don’t have mine in abundance with change to spare, I have trusted people with bad intentions, walked over by people I was trying to help and yho! Miss me with all of it! All of it can be taken because I will not be conforming to that again! I have learned (finally!) because I think this has been a repetitive lesson I just didn’t want to listen to. Koma apapa nde zalowa momveka bwino.
I was talking to my friend and I was explaining that (most) people like/love the idea of me and not the reality of me. They see me and are dazzled by heaven knows what and they get to know me and they realise I am onion! So many layers and it’s hard to keep from crying as you peel them back! Lol.
3. I never want to feel…less. That feeling when the people around you treat you like you are disposable, replaceable, dumb, stupid, useless, incapable, exhausting etc. Once I experience something in that capacity, it really weighs heavily on me. It sediments in the pits of my stomach and sits there eating me up at every chance. My anxiety skyrockets, my mental health takes a hit, I lose balance and my world comes crushing down. I would choose, a hundred times over, spaces that appreciate me and the value I add, spaces that see me for the unique talents and thought process that I bring, spaces that allow my creativity to flourish and spaces that treat me with the respect and care that I deserve.
It is selfcare to take myself away from negative environments, from demeaning people, and to allow space for positivity, creativity and growth. It is hard to push/move forward when the weight of peoples opinions are sitting. Living is accepting that people will have something to say, whether you do good or bad; selfcare is being able to describe yourself outside of people’s perceptions of you and allowing yourself to live a fabulously positive life on your terms.
4. Pretend to be someone else. I am sooooo comfortable in my own skin, in my own life and in my own doings that I have never wished anyone’s life upon myself. I have never wished that somebody’s life befalls me because I am firm believer that nothing is perfect, and each individual life comes with its own set of setbacks and problems. At least I know the color and extent of mine and I am okay with my life.
I am not saying I do not wish for good things or better things, please, we all do. I wish I had more money, more creativity bursts, more writing time but darling, my skin is my favorite place to be. I do not feel the need to sugarcoat my messy self and to look/sound more appealing to people. I am unapologetically confident in myself, and I am so sure of my actions, my goals, my needs and exactly where I want this life to lead me. I do not lead by faith or by hope, I lead by passion and that makes me impulsive and hot-headed, but it sure gets things done. I do not have to pretend to be something I am not and distance myself from spaces that require/need me to be a shapeshifter. Moyo wake utiwo omafuna kusangalatsa wina aliyese?
That is my top 4 things I wish will miss and continue to miss me with such fierce determination. What are the things on your anti-bucket list? Let me know in the comments.
My struggle with anxiety stems back a few years if I am being honest and I know for a fact, I can pinpoint the exact moment it all began. I have always been a person who tries to focus on the good in most situations and how it can be better, and I have lived the better part of my life optimistic. Something I feel I took for granted.
Yes, tough times were there but they never really lasted.
Cue 2020. The year of true reckoning.
A year were nothing seemed to go right and I was fighting from the moment ‘go!’. It was a terribly awful year filled with trials and tribulations that I won’t fill pages about here (a story for one of my books lol).
I guess most of us have been there. The nights that never end and seem to drag forever, a cloud that hovers above you from your waking moment to the very second your head hits the pillow and the never ending tunnel of darkness.
The first storm comes and you think it will pass as it always has, then another and another. The storms last longer, are more fierce, more destructive, and shake and drain you more.
Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months and the storms stay pouring, resting in your life like they were always meant to be there and they begin to feel…normal.
Rather than disappear like they always have (did), these storms are not passing through and it becomes harder to be brave.
Life started to seem scary. I had lost once when it meant the world to win and fear replaced optimism. Feelings of impending doom became my daily bread: fear of being wrong, fear of being rejected, fear of imposing, fear of not being enough, and the constant unsettling fear of losing again.
I am not ashamed to say that it took me a long time to acknowledge that I had a problem and an even longer time accepting that anxiety was running my life. I had resigned to being the backseat passenger of fear, finding it hard to get up in the morning and even harder convincing myself to just leave my room.
If you are waiting for a guide on how to cure anxiety or a secret something, I (unfortunately) do not have one but I can, however, share how I navigate around my fear:
1. Acknowledge your anxiety and try to find the root cause
2. Practice gratitude!
3. Daily affirmations. (Remind yourself that you are valuable, rare and extraordinary).
4. Journaling
5. Talk to someone or find what helps you calm down your thoughts.
6. Do things scared!
Our toughest battles are usually fought alone, when no one is watching.
Our weakest moments happen inside and away from prying eyes, locked in moments and memories that hold us hostage, praying for an escape, hoping against hope that one day you wake up grateful and actually…happy. That yes, life can be hard and deals everyone there own cards but you can’t help but wonder why your cards seem to want to drown you, and life at every turn threatens to submerge you in your woes.
People wake up everyday sad that they woke up and dread yet the beginning of another day. Their life looks like it is at a standstill, each day exactly like the same.
Rinse and repeat.
No progress for them yet the world seems to go on regardless. Never a moment of pause to let them breathe and get themselves together, to let them feel their emotions or a moment to map their lives: not knowing where they are and uncertain of where they are going and where they are going to end up.
We have friends and family silently fighting and trying to master battles that have no rules, no course, and sometimes, no visible ending. We have people around us struggling with battles we don’t see. Things they won’t talk about. Things they would rather not deal with. Things they would rather forget but replay in their heads like a broken record. You don’t have to know someone is in pain or struggling to be kind.
Check on your friends. Tell them how much of a good person they are and how you appreciate them.
“Hey, how are you doing? Really.”
“Mental health check. How are you?”
Then sit there and listen. They are sometimes carrying so much and a listening ear is all they need. I don’t have a cure or anything that would relatively help but let them know that you are there for them and they are not alone. Life is messy for everyone and it has no favorites.
That person you see smiling everyday? Probably cries themselves to sleep.
That friend with the happy pictures and seemingly amazing life? They could have had a traumatic childhood that haunts them to this day.
People lose jobs, friendships, family and the world around them crumbles and shakes yet they get up and brave each day. Be kind.
People suffered trauma as children. Shown too early the ugly snare of the world and the cruelty of it all. Be very kind.
People have been thrown out of their lives, stripped to humiliation and thrown onto the cold hard ground by those they thought would hold their hearts. Be exceptionally kind.
Kindness is humanity.
A smile from a stranger in the most trying times, an ear that listens, a heart that doesn’t judge, people that empathise, people that support and cheer for you, people that love you regardlesss of the mess you are, people that see greatness in you, a hand that holds you and holds your hand, a shoulder that lets you cry your sorrows away. That is Humanity.
But before you are kind to anyone else, be kind to yourself first.
To those that struggled and made it out, I am glad you did and I hope you choose yourself everyday.
To those amidst the troubling waters, Keep Rowing. Your lighthouse is not too far.
I will leave the light on.
Love,
A girl whose dreams sometimes dim but continue to be in colours yet to be discovered.
Myra Trudea Okumu 